How Spirituality ‘Cured’ My Anxiety & Depression
From the age of around 15, I started to become increasingly anxious around new people. I would avoid social situations like parties, I would skip school / college, I would even try my best to worm my way out of any family activities.
I used to tell myself ‘if you don’t speak, there’s nothing they can do to embarass or criticise you’, ‘just slip in to the background’.
I kept myself completely closed off. I tried to become invisible. I tried not to exist.
I did have a few close friends and with them I acted super confident, though it was always a mask; a coping mechanism so I didn’t have to face my own insecurities.
Anxiety became increasingly worse as I started college at 16. I HATED the thought of being in a class with people I didn’t know, just the idea of it sucked the energy out of me like a vacuum.
I remember the first day of college – we had to introduce ourselves with ‘3 fun facts’ about ourselves.
Just imagine – your mind is constantly occupied by these thoughts:
you’re boring, no one is interested, there’s nothing fun about you, your voice is annoying, you look stupid, you have no talents
All the while, people are eagerly being selected to tell their ‘fun facts’… getting closer and closer to your side of the classroom. Your palms become extremely clammy. Your heart starts to beat twice as fast as before.
You start to chew on the inside of your cheek. Your throat closes up.
The person sat beside you confidently announces that they have; ‘lived in Canada for 3 years’, ‘speak French, Spanish and German’, and ‘won 3 gold awards for swimming’. Now it’s your turn.
Erm… I have 4 cats… 2 dogs… and 1 hamster… That’s 3 facts, right?
I can’t quite remember my exact answer but it seemed calm and collected. Maybe even cold.
I remember someone saying their first impression of me was that I seemed bitchy. I assume this was based off my seemingly cold and distant appearance. The truth was, I was just scared to let anyone in, to give anyone the slightest opportunity to hurt and betray me.
See, that’s the thing with social anxiety. From the outside, you wouldn’t suspect a thing but as soon as you delve in, you can see how excruciatingly detrimental it can be to someones life and impact every. Single. Decision. That they make.
Is it all in my head?
Overwhelmed by emotion, I would go to the bathroom quite a lot, just to give myself 5 minutes alone. Sometimes I would cry. Ok, a lot of the time I would cry.
What was I crying about exactly? I have no idea. I just needed to release this tension that was filling my mind, soul and body.
My mind convinced me that none of these people would like me. They would think I was a bitch, I was stuck up because I liked makeup, that I wanted to be a boy becuase I liked cars, or that I wasn’t smart enough to be in their classes.
But how many people had actually said this to me? None.
So where was the evidence that supported my intrusive and invasive thoughts? There wasn’t any!
I, on my own, was creating a completely alternate realtiy timeline in which everyone hated me. Isn’t that basically self harm?
I quit college after my 1st year as I realised it was making me miserable and my anxiety was getting the best of me.
It has to get worse before it gets better
I started working full time at the beginning of 2016. I had hoped to push myself to work with strangers – in an attempt to break this vicious cycle of anxiety and face my fears.
Yeahhhh… That didn’t go to plan.
2016 – end of 2018 was probably the worst period time of my life.
A lot of (personal) shit happened between during this time which eventually escalated my anxiety (social and generalised) and left me feeling depressed the majority of the time.
I cried even more. In work bathrooms, at home, on the bus, sometimes even waiting for the bus.
I still didn’t know WHY I was crying, I just felt lost and trapped.
I felt like I was floating through life. I was the opposite to present. I was absent.
Wake up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep. Wake up, got to work, come home, eat, sleep.
I didn’t have any hobbies or interests. I didn’t make plans with friends. Well, I barely had any friends.
I taught myself not to trust anyone which made me feel extremely lonely.
“Depression is feeling like you’ve lost something but having no clue when or where you last had it. Then one day you realize what you lost is yourself.”
Everything happens for a reason
By the end of 2018, I noticed an increase in very, very intrusive thoughts.
I was terrified of the way my mind started to encouraged me to almost crave this feeling of disappearing.
At that point, something clicked and I made a consciouss decision to regain control and no longer allow this voice to dictate my life.
I booked a therapy session. I had around 4 sessions in total and they extremely helpful in identifying the source of my fears and beliefs, and I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist if you are currently experiencing mental health problems.
However, personally, I didn’t feel like the process was quick enough. It was like slowly pulling off a plaster instead of ripping it off in one go. I couldn’t afford more than 2 sessions per month (£40 per session!!). Supressed emotions and memories were surfacing and just staying there, instead of being released.
So I stopped going.
In January 2019, I stumbled across the idea of meditating (I have a separate video dedicated to this journey so I’ll link it here). Of course I have heard of meditating in the past however I never really acknowledged the proven benefits (click here for my video on meditating).
As I was desperate to see / feel change, I decided to try it out by listening to sleeping meditations when I drifted off at night.
After 2 days, I remember noticing that those nasty thoughts that would penetrate my mind, were being interrupted by more soft, positive thoughts which gently reassured me that I was better than this.
It felt so comforting to have the ability to interupt my negative thoughts with kinder ones.
The more frequently I meditated, the more I noticed this guiding voice within myself. I decided to do more research in to meditation, spirituality, chakras, consciousness and everything in between to gain an understanding on how these binaural beats could have such a significant impact on my mental health.
The secret is – it’s all about our vibrational frequency and our energy centers
There are simple lifestyle changes we can adhere to which increase our vibrational frequency and open up our energy centers to enable us to become as true to our souls as we can be.
The more we can practice, the more opening ourselves up to receiving abundance, seeing and feeling love, showing gratitude and most importantly, being present.
Being present has really allowed me to release fears and beliefs which tied me down to ‘social anxiety’ for so long.
Here are my top tips:
- Identify if your chakras are open / balanced (click here to find out)
> If they are imbalanced / closed, balance them!
- Create a technique to let go of negative thoughts (click here for my technique)
- Create a daily gratitude list
- Write letters to those who have hurt you (you don’t need to send them)
- Focus on breathing at the first sign of anxiety / panic attack
- Educate yourself on Law of Attraction
- Read Reality Transurfing by Vadim Zeland
- Stop doing what makes you unhappy and discover your passion!
Previously, I identified as being shy, incapable and worthless.
Now I identify myself as confident, caring, compassionate and courageous!
For example, I would never ever, in a million years, would have mustered up the confidence to record myself speaking directly to a camera and upload it for the whole world to see. Yet here I am! Uploading videos on one of the most controversial subjects in today’s society!
It is definitely a process but the process should be exciting!
Just be aware that as you are releasing and letting go of a lot of past trauma, you will have days which feel like the end of the world but you will get through it, I promise. Speak to like-minded people, like me (you are always welcome to message me on my personal instagram: @bethspary)!
Have fun in connecting to your spirit guides, maybe play with Oracle cards, improve your clair senses or open up your third eye.
You should thrive off seeing evidence of your improvements, keep a log of what you have overcome on your journey.
You’ll start to understand why certain events had to take place and why certain people were / weren’t in your life – it all has meaning and is ultimately for your greater good.
It’s honestly an amazing feeling and motivates you to be the best version of you as possible.
Chase your dreams. Do what makes you happy. Don’t care about what others think about you.